Personal Introductions, Part 1: Informal Settings

Fall term started this week, so now is the time to scout out potential new friends in my courses. I strongly advise against making assumptions about others, especially based on the limited interaction that occurs in a lecture-based course structure, so I have been examining a proper way to introduce myself and bring the conversation out of the classroom (or off the hockey pitch, away from the cubicle, etc.). After a walk to the parking lot or a cup of coffee, you should probably have a good idea of if you want to spend time with this person or people again.

Here are some thoughts to help you break the ice this fall.

Understand Yourself
Getting to know others requires knowing yourself first. Take a few minutes to jot down some words that describe your personality, values, and interests. These words can help you tweak your approach so that it is comfortable for you, and it will help you identify traits that you would look for in a compatible friend. Listing a few of your interests

I did this exercise this morning and came up with the following: introverted, intellectually curious, nerdy; honesty, flexibility/open-mindedness, self-motivation; mid-20th century style, cooking, musical theatre, and science fiction.

The first word I used to describe myself is "introverted," and the fact that I chose it first is important. When I am in the process of making new friends, I need to keep my introversion in mind, pace myself when meeting new people, and remember to take a break. My extroverted sister, on the other hand, thrives off meeting new people. Were I to meet more than 1-2 people every day, I would lock myself in my room for a week.

Keeping your personality and interests in mind can also help you to identify places where you are most likely to meet a compatible person. Some of my other words involved academics and books. I would be far more likely to meet someone at a bookstore, astronomy night, or science lecture than at a concert or sports game. You are probably different. You do not need to go far out of your way to meet someone new. Even if you only meet people at the local jazz club, the people you meet are probably all very different. The shared interest is just a comfortable jumping-off point.


Use the Situation as a Starter
Early to class? Ask the person next to you what they've heard about the professor, or if they've had them before. Solicit a recommendation from a regular at the local cafe. Offer to share your umbrella with a damp comrade at the bus stop. Be observant.

Another tactic is to discuss current events. This can be adjusted depending on the setting and the type of people you are trying to attract. At the very least, follow your local sports team through the current season, read the quickie movie reviews for new releases, and glance over the professional journals for your industry. Avoid political discussions, unless you are at an explicitly political event (fundraiser, demonstration, etc.).


Name Yourself and Offer a Hand
After breaking the ice, introduce yourself and extend your right hand for a handshake. Your actual introduction doesn't need to be anything special. Simply extend your hand and say, "I'm A. James," and allow the other person to offer their name in turn. Decide ahead of time if you will give your full name to avoid the awkward pause in "I'm Jack. ... Thompson." Offering a nickname in an informal personal introduction is appropriate, provided your nickname is along the lines of "Mills" and less like "Nose Candy Bondage Queen."


Continue the Conversation
A professor I once had called this "keeping the door open." If the energy is good, offer the person with whom you are speaking an opportunity to get to know you more. Depending on the situation, it could be as easy as asking if they would like to get coffee before your next class. Don't get discouraged if they can't make it, simply offer your contact information and let it go.

Consider having contact or calling cards made (Crane has some lust-worthy but expensive options), or make some yourself. Offering a calling card instantly gives a potential new friend a way to remember you, which is helpful if they are forgetful with names.

What to put on it is up to you. Your name is a given, and your professional certifications and title if you have them. I'm still working on my degree, so I used "World-Traveled Scientist" for mine. Offer at least two contact methods--some combination of physical address, home/work/cell phone, e-mail, AIM, Skype, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Keep your audience in mind when making your cards. You might consider listing your college, major, and anticipated graduation year if you are meeting mostly fellow students. Don't list your personal Twitter account on a business card if your tweets are less than professional.

If you prefer to use a name other than your legal name, I would recommend making two sets of cards: A personal set with your preferred name or nickname, and a formal set with your legal name for potential employers.

The Art of Manliness has a fantastic post on the creation and use of calling cards if you'd like to read more on the subject.


A Note on Nice Guys(TM)
The most important thing is to introduce yourself to new people when you can and respect that just as you choose your friends, other people have a right to choose theirs. The most you can do is extend an offer of friendship and allow the other person to weigh and make a decision about your offer.

Some Nice Guys(TM) get hung up on this--they act "nice" but people (usually young women) still choose "assholes" when they should be choosing the Nice Guys(TM) because they're so nice. This is something we call entitlement. You are not entitled to anyone's company by your own. Be friendly. Don't be a Nice Guy(TM).


Coming Soon:
Personal Introductions, Part 2: Formal & Business Settings
Personal Introductions, Part 3: Introducing Others